Famous folks! They’re just like us! Only with more money. And a flexible schedule. A real flexible schedule. We’re talking— start a condom business or a hamburger stand or make your own coffin schedule. Celebrities are eccentric, and that never shines brighter than when they make a decision to branch out a little bit. Here are the seven weirdest celebrity side projects our little list could muster!
1. Wahlburgers (from Mark and Donnie Wahlberg)
Hamburgers are good. If there is but one law there is that, so it’s hard to blame Mark Wahlberg for wanting to start a hamburger restaurant in his home city of Boston (it's franchised now for the world must devour Wahlburgers). Wahlburgers seems all well and good but the general oddness of seeing the man currently battling the Decepticons taking on the local Boston University kid’s need for hamburgers make it seem like we stumbled into a Prince and the Pauper situation. Currently a reality show about the place is airing on A+E proving that the secret to success is an incredibly serviceable pun.
2. Magic Stick Condoms (from 50 Cent)
I have to hand it to 50 Cent— the kinds of thoughts that blip across your head randomly throughout the day— whether it's to create a Grand Theft Auto video game rip off starring yourself or to create a magic condom that makes you last longer— he acts on! That video game is real and that condom was almost real too! 50 Cent wanted to create a condom to make you last longer, but upon running into some issues during the design, abandoned it. All the better, until Weird Al Yankovic makes a condom, I’m afraid there is no form of birth control to reflect my musical tastes.
3. Kiss Kaskets (Kiss)
Death and metal go together like lamb and mint jelly— it’s fine if you don’t think too hard about it. Kiss I’m sure is a fine band, but their launch of Kiss Kaskets, a casket adorned like a gaudy pinball machine, seems like a terrible thing to be buried in. Also not to be morbid, but who’s getting buried in these things? Or are certain grandparents’ ghosts cursing that their kids didn’t have better taste?
4. Any Celebrity Who Has Ever Written A Children’s Book (Leno, Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, too many more)
If you were a little kid what would you rather read a whimsical gorgeous book by Dr. Seuss or a book where a giant headed Jay Leno tells a story so bland it's on an unbelievable scientific scale of blandness anyone would go mad upon witnessing. He’s not the only culprit either. Can you imagine the kind of kid forced to read a book about a photo realistic Jason Alexander, or a kid Jerry Seinfeld!? It’s like an evil plot to wipe out literacy! Yeesh!
5. James Franco — Master Class on James Franco
The truth is 90% of this list could have just been James Franco projects if we wanted it to be. Heck, just him putting a close up of his face on the cover of a William Faulkner novel would make six blog entries of their own (of just exasperated anxiety). But we’ve chosen to discuss the master class— Editing James Franco With James Franco. The class, managed by a James Franco Skyping in once in awhile— has the class editing together a video on James Franco using footage of James Franco provided by James Franco. I like to think the kids of the Tarzana, California College got a lot out of it, or at the very least a required DVD of Your Highness that they can now look at and shout “What do I even do with this thing!?” in exasperation.
6.) Kim Basinger’s Georgia Town
Remember Kim Basinger? Beloved model and Academy Award winning actress Kim Basinger? Did you know she once bought a small town in Georgia called Braselton for 20 million dollars in 1988 with the dreams of making it a tourist destination? She apparently failed and went bankrupt in 1995, selling it for only a few million dollars. Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe we curbed a trend. How many of you in small towns want celebrities to come in as your new leaders? People in Idaho should not be waking up to Vin Diesel doing his Groot impressions on a big microphone.
7. Shia LaBeouf's Comic Book
Shia LaBeouf is a man of many talents: be it fighting Transformers, plagiarizing from Daniel Clowes and making you sorry you ever asked about whether or not he plagiarized from Daniel Clowes. Before he ripped off one of the great comic book authors, he tried his hand at the game himself with a few self published comics he premiered at a Chicago Comic-Con in 2012. The books-- crude and confusing-- were released to mixed responses, which is probably for the best. This could have all ended with a LaBeouf penned issue of X-Men where Cyclops looks you right in the eye and motivates you as creepily as he imaginably could.